How to Deal With the Terrible Ex-Husband
81
Dealing with the Ex-Husband
I have been divorced for a little over 5 years now. When I first started the divorce process, I had a motto I said to myself daily, "Don't do anything you will be ashamed of later on." It was very difficult at times but I feel I stuck to it for the most part. My now ex-husband and I have a daughter together, so I figured it was in her best interest to try and salvage some sort of respectable relationship with her father. There were plenty of instances in which I wished my ex off the face of the Earth, but I never let him know that. I handled each situation in a different way, but I always remembered to think of the broken relationship as a professional one.
The Phone Calls
The awful guilt-ridden phone calls would come in and I would simply state that we had moved on beyond that point and that if he would like to speak to his daughter, she was available. I remained as professional as possible - even if I cried my eyes out or punched a wall after the conversation.
The Differences in Parenting
My ex and I had substantially different ideas about appropriate parenting. My daughter even got her first 'drinking story' at age 4. No, she didn't drink, she was just encouraged to pour a can of beer on the first guy to pass out at one of Daddy's parties. Although I was furious and wanted to send the police to his house, I had no proof of the story, so I confronted him directly and STILL remained professional. Once he realize our daughter was telling me what was going on, he straightened his act up real fast.
 | Amazon Price: $18.82 List Price: $18.95 |
 | Amazon Price: $5.99 |
 | Amazon Price: $1.99 |
 | Amazon Price: $0.99 |
 | Amazon Price: $13.45 List Price: $14.95 |
 | Amazon Price: $14.99 List Price: $15.00 |
The Negative Press
My ex-husband and his family seemed to seek out every opportunity to bad-mouth me to my daughter. She would come home from visitation and I would see the pain in her eyes when she told me what was said about me. I would calmly explain to her that it did not hurt my feelings and that some people say hurtful things when they are confused. Then after I thought for a while to know just what to say, I called my ex. Of course he always denied everything, but I always made sure to mention that it upset our daughter. Over time the negative press has seemed to stop.
The Holidays
My ex-husband and I still have a difficult time splitting the holidays. It is only natural to want as much time with your own child for birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. And of course my daughter wants to see both her parents on each holiday. When my ex-husband and I cannot agree on splitting the holidays, we refer back to the paper the judge gave us explaining how the court would typically handle the disagreement. However, we try as hard as possible to split holidays as a 50/50 deal.
When dealing with a horrible ex-husband remember not to stoop to his level. Remain polite and professional without sending out the signals that you want back in the relationship. Over time your ex-husband just may react in like, acting like a true adult.
 | Amazon Price: $5.00 List Price: $12.95 |
 | Amazon Price: $9.71 List Price: $17.99 |
 | Amazon Price: $7.21 List Price: $14.95 |
 | Amazon Price: $7.89 List Price: $13.99 |
 | Amazon Price: $12.95 |
vote upvote downsharePrintflag
- Useful (3)
- Funny (1)
- Awesome (3)
- Beautiful (1)
- Interesting (2)
CommentsLoading...
I hear you, I really do :)
It's been a loooong time for me. Bryant was 16 months old when his mom walked out on me and him and his three year old sister. We split some holidays and some summers. She remarried a lot soon than I did. I waited until Bryant was in high school. She got on with her life and I got on with mine. The best thing people need to remember is that the sun will come up tomorrow and the sun will set at the end of that day. No two days will ever be the same again. Enjoy being a parent and, if you can, enjoy being an ex when he/she has the children every other weekend.
You handled the situation well. I had a divorce (was married to lawyer) and fortunately we had no children. (Why the reason of divorce, that won't go into here!) I was lucky to have married the love of my life and we now have 3 great kids. I understand the relatives part but now thankfully I'm away from all that. Good luck and stay strong, your doing well.
Hi stanleyreese, I have indeed learned how to appreciate my alone time. It took a while to stop missing my daughter so much that it hurt, but Im better with it now. Some days I even ask her if she wants to go see her Dad :) I think its a 2nd grade thing...
Thank you, Andre. I tried to behave in a manner that wouldnt haunt me later on. I think I did a good job. I am remarried now with 3 kids too! It always seems like things work out for the best, even if its not what we wanted initially.
good advice, Ardie!
Thanks, Mike the salesman. I have to admit though, its been a little more difficult of late to follow my own advice :)
nice advice
Ardie, you're doing so well, and the advice you've shared is solid. Divorce is just plain hard and ugly no matter what the circumstances are. When I divorced my husband, thank goodness we didn't have children together, the hardest thing for me was that it felt very similar to grieving over a death even though I knew it was for the best. And unlike grieving over the death of a loved one, grief over a divorce involves also having to deal with running into your ex or having to continue seeing them because of children.
I wish you the best! :)
I had my divorce after I found out he had an affaire for two years. I had asked him before about it, but he denied it and I believed him. We bought a new home, But we never lived there because he told me the truth two weeks before we were going to move. I let him. Moved myself , and after a while even invited his "new" woman to meet each other because that way we would be able to talk under normal conditions about our two children and all of us could build on a normal as possible envirement for the boys to grow up in.
I let them live their live, I tried to life mine. Working(which is an obligation here even when you're a single mom with little children), taking care of the children and have some alone time for myself when the boys went to their father and his wife.
But I never seem to do it right in his eyes. Eventhough the children( seven years later now)don't agree with him. He always tries to belittle me, tells me I'm selfisch and don't take care of the boys the right way. He says I don't do nice things with the boys every weekend, don't take them on a long vacation once or twice a year like he does so he cut the childsupport. ( I work for a minimumwage and they both work) He doesn't believe that cutting the childsupport is just even worse for his children. I just have to take another fulltime job( and that way spend less time with the children) But I can drive 300 miles every weekend to take the children to him. That doesn't bother him of course, but if I can't because I don't have enough money, I'm selfisch again. I just never seem to do it right and he's telling the children the same thing. The oldest sometimes hates him for it, but the youngest wanted to live with him,, but daddy didn't want that. That way, he couldn't do the things he could do now.He told the boy it was too much trouble.
Last time I got angry with the both of them because they started again to belittle me and started to tell me how I should life when the boys were with me and even when I am spending my own time when the boys are with him.. The first time in seven years.
Don't get me wrong. He's a good dad, but he just has to stop minding MY business. He just has to life his live and let me life mine.
Otherwise.. Somebody has a shotgun? LOL
Looking back the hardest thing I ever had to do was to make sure that my children knew and loved their father (alcoholic, abusive, cheater, etc.) because it was about them growing up whole. In the end, he rose to the occasion and became someone we all can respect, so they were lucky. I can only wish that for you and your children. Just remind yourself, you are doing the right thing no matter how hard it may get.
Hi Pam and thank you. I know its in my daughter's best interest for there to be some sort of harmony between her parents. Thank God my dauighter is so smart and understands a lot. The divorce did feel like a huge loss even though it let me gain so much. The hardest part was having to share my daughter. I still have trouble with that one.
Hi Lazur, Im so sorry. Your exhusband sounds like he really gives you a hard time. Sadly, he is just putting more stress on your sons by stressing you. I hope for only the best for you...stay strong for your kids. My newest issue is that my ex has not moved on with life yet and keeps guilting my daughter into thinking she has to be his best bud and help take care of him. If she chooses to do something other than visit him, he acts broken-hearted and it upsets her. I try to tell her different but he is a master manipulator. As for what your ex thinks you should do with the kids, playing in the yard is as much fun as a trip.
Hi Jerilee, I hear you on how hard it is to let your kids go with someone you know isnt the best. I grew up without a dad and I really do want my daughter to know hers. Though I am angry at him right now, he has made improvement over the years - but sometimes he slips into his old ways.
Wow Ardy, you handled it really well. I am more of an emotional person and can become a little short of homicidal. :)
Good hub
Thanks debi, I have my homicidal moments, too. I just dont let him know that. If he knew he'd be happy he was able to get to me. Over time, the pretending made for good practice, I suppose :)
Your writing style is great. It's so easy to read and captures the reader's attention right off the bat. You give good advice, too. Thanks for sharing your story. You've even given my an idea for my next Hub. Watch for it.
Your comments are too sweet, thank you! I will surely watch for your new hub, is it going to be about the horrible ex-wife? :D That would be great!
great hub Ardie. Your writing is so clear that i can feel your frustration and pain which has nmeade me relive my past which thankfully is just what it is - my past - but as you intimate it really is just so much harder when children are involved because you have to continue to have contact and that is not always easy!...cheers
Thank you ajcor. Im sad to hear you had a difficult time in your past. But thankfully you are able to keep it where it belongs - in the past! The constant contact due to having kids together does remain tough. There are times when I re-read this hub just to remind myself to stick to my own advice :)
I have an ex husband of 9 years and he still plays games with me against the kids. For example it is his weekend and I emailed him 3 weeks ago to have the boys for a wedding. He agreed and now the day before he has something else planned for that same night, but is blaming me for still "f..k..g up his life and f..k..g up his son's life.
How do you deal with this when I am quite an emotional person and scared that maybe I am the worst mother in the world (that;s how it feels at the moment anyway)
Hi, Thanks for your stories, I have the worst X-Hus. He tries to make my life a living hell... everything I tell him he turns around to make something else. I just recieved a cert. letter from his divorce lawyer warning me that I need to watch the way I act... We had agreed to share our little girls 3 yr B-Day it was his wkend, he bought her to me an hr. late and cause I was a 1/2 hr late. He had his lawyer warn me of a violation... He is such a low life he talks to me like everything is great and then he stabs me in the back...Just like he did the day he walked out..I don't know why most men claim to be so MACHO when they don't even have the balls to face you with the truth!!!
Well after receiving this letter I called him to tell him off, luckly my baby answered the phone (his wkend) and said he was in the shower, cause I was going to tell off so bad I would have ended up in court... I logged on read all your stories and by the time he called me back you guys made me realize I would be doing the wrong thing....It is great to talk to someone even if for great advise and venting.
Thanx Rosie
my x husband is making me out to be the biggest liar in and out of court He is a real sweet charmer and makes everyone believe him. We have a 16 month old and he is using him as a game. He is abusive, and is trying to distroy my life. I have no family or friends in our state and i wont to relocate but he has made the judge hate me and i fear that im going to loose my son. he has made the judge think i dont communicate with him and now ive lost sole custordy. what do i do, im so emotional right now
what you need to do is show the judge you are the best parent for your child. take parenting classes even if you think you dont need them. Log everything down. every phone call every conversation. save all reciepts of formula, diapers, clothes, dr appointments to show that you are an active parent. Mostly dont ever show him you are hurt or angry or upset. Keep things cordial even if you have to bite your tongue while doing it. I know i am going through something similar
if all else fails tell the judge you want a full evaluation, when my husband and I got divorced he did the same thing, made me out to be a bad mom, (he is an alcoholic) and I do not drink, smoke, nothing. The impartial evaluator will go to both homes, friends, neighbors, employers, and check everything and give their evaluation. The judge has to listen to that even if he doesn't like you. It helped me win full physical and legal custody.
Hi I have an ex husband who had an affair ,,,married her and had a baby...we have 2 girls together....This all happened 5 years ago...and it took me awhile but I moved on but I am confused why he tries to control me..try to make me feel bad at any given opportunity ...I try not to reply to his intimidating attitude but it gets me angry...I just want to be happy with the girls and as soon as he seems me a liitle happy ..he starts on me...and sometimes I act unhappy in front of him so hell leave me alone...I thought he got what he wanted so he should be happy with his own life and not interfere in mine...
Sometimes nothing matters but who has the most money. My husband tore me apart in court and basically won the case because he was willing to lie and pay a very good attorney to tear me up. Make sure your attorney is really good because if they aren't, you will lose everything like I did.
I am so sorry for all the pain you must have felt. You deserve so much more. You are a talent. You are better them him girl. Best wishes to you.
Sometimes the ex needs a good beating!
Hello, i really need some advice...i seperated a few yrs ago from my husband after years of psychological abuse...which he denies clearly, at the time our daughter was 3 now 6. He is in the forces so was never around much any way during her first yrs and didnt really do much with her. Anyways......after seperation things changed and it seemed like he had a point to prove for dad of the yr. He continually sends abusive messages to my phone and twists everything round however small to be my fault. she has regular contact with him at weekends however on her return she is a totally different child, she has been so spoilt and that once she returns school and at home we have a real issue tryin to get her to play by the rules. she is close to bein classed as a bully on her return. i have tried to discuss this with him...however same again abusive assultin messages about how its basically all me and he is just showing kindness. I am now really struggling always being the bad one...but its me who does all the daily tasks and she needs rules and structure for us to be able to do this and im not even overly strict. He is very deluded into believing his behgaviour is what is best for her and i make a point of never discussin him in front of her...something he does. how can i protect my daughter? I dnt want to come between them but whatever i do is always wrong. i really need some advice.
Great advice, it is very difficult dealing with a selfish ex who just seems to hurt the children to get to you. This is a post from a child of divorce who is know a grown woman.My parents also got divorced 10 years ago and my father just pretty much became a deadbeat. No visitation arrangements, no child support money..he just decided he didn't have a family any more. I am the 'child' caught between a single mother who seems to have a life and could care less about the father and the bitter father who got re-married and chose not to be a part of my life....so why is he bitter? I don't know why he is bitter. Because of it, he has miseed my high school and university graduations...and wait for it....My Wedding!!!! Ironically, he now calls...yeah, he calls, to pick useless fights and takes as many opportunities as he can, to insult my mother. The worst part is he is afraid to talk to her so he talks gives me messages to give her! How do you expect me to insult (on your behalf), the parent who is there for me 24/7? He has the new house, the new car, the higher-paying job etc and yet he has reason to be jealous of my mom. Go figure!
As an experienced 'child' on the receiving end of this bitterness, here is my advice. He is no longer a part of you. He wants to know if your life got better after him or not. The best thing you can do is to live your life your own way. Be careful not to do it in retalliation to what he is doing. Just be happy. You will see that he will always be bitter and he will die a bitter person...now what kind of life is that to have? That is the best reward you can ever have!!!
WOW, i read this as i was trying to google if it is reasonable for me to expect a reply from my ex husbands lawyer instead of the 'i have told my client to communicate directly with you'. He has ignored 2 texts last week regarding the children then spoken directly with my daughter. Its so frustrating, he plays silly mind games with them, and twists everythign around. Its driving me nuts
I found your page on google. My ex-husband has a heart of stone. He has cheated, betrayed and abused me and he felt justified for his behavior which caused our divorce.
I still have a hard time dealing with him. Sometimes I get so depressed and I cry and punch the walls because I get mad but I have to face the music. It is so hard because we have a child together.
Maybe someone reading this post can offer me some words of wisdom or advice. Short story: my ex-husband and I have been apart 9 years and have two daughters who are ages 23 and 14. My oldest daughter has no relationship with him but my 14 year old does. After a volatile, miserable marriage and years of difficult co-parenting,he has a new stategy. Although he has functioned mainly as a single person and has only parented at his convenience (both emotionally and financially),he now has decided that he no longer will contact me regarding our youngest. He now tells her not to tell me things (like he has moved around the corner from our house) and attempts to set-up times to see her directly- telling her that she is 14 now and does not have to communicate everything to me. When she doesn't comply,he guilts her into believing that she is his only friend and has "disappointed" him. He can be very over-bearing and an emotional bully. I advised him that 14 is not an adult and that he must still speak with me to make arrangements with her. My heart hurts for her and I want to be certain that I handle this in her best interest. He is who he is and absolutely does not ever see his own fault. Has anyone else been through something similar?
phaedra1 - I really feel for you and for your 14 year old daughter. Your ex is putting all of you in a difficult position. I've often heard people say "14 is the age when a kid chooses who to live with and whether or not to even visit the other parent". I dont know how true that is but I would think it would depend on the relationship of said kid with each parent and the maturity level of that kid. Even at 14 parents need to decide to do whats in the best interest of the child. If what your ex is doing is actually upsetting your daughter (to be put in the middle) then its not what's best for her and ITS WRONG. I have not been through this yet - keyword yet- because my oldest is still only 10...but I can imagine the day is coming soon. I wish you all the best. All you can do is tell your daughter you love her, remind her not to let her dad make her feel guilty, and ask her how she wants it handled. If possible just go with her wishes and phooey on the ex.
(Remember to adide by your local laws though - if they differ from what I suggest...) Keep us posted!
Ardie
Thank you Ardie. Your words of encouragment mean alot. My biggest fear is that I will either be too passive or too aggressive in handling him. I don't know if I am saying too much or not enough. Well, I do appreciate your response.
Ardie: This is fantastic advice. I have been separated for three years headed toward the big D. Thank you for the advice. I agree on the importance of being solid and respectful for our daughter's sake as well. I have to accept that I cannot control everything he does and says, but I can control how my daughter sees me. Thank you so much. Great hub!
Delaney, Im sorry you're going through such a difficult thing. I know some people celebrate their divorces and act happy about them, but I dont get it. My divorce was the single hardest thing I've ever been through. Maybe it was the child in the middle. I actually wrote this article when things were still fresh and I wanted to throttle the ex every time I saw him. A few years later we now get along fairly well and communicate openly about our daughter. We still have disagreements (boy do we!) but the wounds arent as fresh so the words aren't so hostile. Things will get easier - hang in there.
Excellent Hub Ardie. I have been divorced for 7 years and my ex likes to sit back and criticize everything my kids and I do.. but he would never think to do anything to help our kids. I have linked it to my article on Pro Se Divorces because I think it can help many. Great job!
Hello dear Tammy! Its a shame exes cant act a little more mature even in terms of their own flesh and blood. I mean, come on...these are their children. Please email or Facebook me the link - I'd love to add it here too :)
Divorce is so difficult, especially when kids are involved. Sounds like you took the high road, and your girls have benefited as a result.
It IS tough AA and it sucks. I would never encourage ANYONE to get a divorce unless it was the only way. Add kids to the mix and it takes on a whole new level. I try to be the adult in my divorce - its gotten easier as the years have gone by. Thanks for stopping in :)
The advice you are dispensing is good advice: Act like an adult. Do not raise your voice. Do not say things that will cause trouble later.
The actual content of the article does not follow this advice to the letter, however. The opening paragraph labels him "terrible" and the closing paragraph calls him "horrible." You also list, in public view, that your ex-in-laws (is that a word?) were gossips and slanderers (not directly stated, but it is listed against them).
I would like to add some advice from scripture, which has always worked extremely well for me:
1. If you don't throw wood on a fire, it goes out. "Where no wood is, [there] the fire goeth out: so where [there is] no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. " Pro 26:20
2. I once studied the Bible for a very long time, looking to see what separates a Christian from others, it is this one: "But I say to you, love your enemies and bless the one who curses you, and do what is beautiful to the one who hates you, and pray over those who take you by force and persecute you." (Matt 5:44)
Also, if you have not learned to break soul ties, learn! Once that chord is cut, they have almost zero influence on you, and will almost never come to memory without some physical stimulus.
I am giving honest, well-intended advice, I hope I am only helping. Peace.
Good advice that any divorcee needs to keep in mind. It is hard though, in the heat of the moment, to take the time to keep calm and stay professional. When kids are involved, it's no wonder tense emotions are involved. A great hub. Voted up!
Dearest Man from Modesto – the title of this hub calls an ex-husband in general terrible because that was how the question was worded when HubPages allowed writers to make hubs from other writer’s questions. I took the question and turned it into a statement. I did NOT call my ex-husband terrible. Also, in the end paragraph when an ex-husband was referred to as horrible it was, again, a general statement. It is also not stated against my ex-in-laws that they are slanderers because I used the word SEEMED (ie My ex-husband and his family seemed to seek out every opportunity to bad-mouth me to my daughter. She would come home from visitation and I would see the pain in her eyes when she told me what was said about me.) Now after the fact, my ex and I are on great terms. He is a wonderful dad who is now very actively involved in our daughter’s life and he always keeps her best interest in mind. So I am guessing he and I did something right through the process.
The above said, I appreciate the quotes of scripture that helped you and I hope they can help someone else. Divorce is not fun and it should not be taken lightly.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.
Thank you for reading Melissa :) It does get very difficult to remain calm when children are involved. My daughter seemed to be the only thing my ex and I argued about - because we both wanted all the time with her.
When we did get too wrapped up in emotions over anything one or the other of us would always call and say sorry after we both cooled down. The divorce was far from perfect but I think we are now doing the best we can for our daughter :) We are on very friendly terms and my two children from my second marriage even adore my ex hahah
Thank you for sharing your experience.I was married two months ago and my husband was deployed right after the wedding...now he's saying he's going to file for a divorce...I'm devastated to say the least. Any advice on what NOT to do...I don't want this!!!
Im so sorry to hear this Miss Frost. Hopefully your husband is only saying and doing this to 'protect' you from being a military wife. Maybe he feels he is giving you an "out" because he feels guilty leaving you alone. I would suggest going through the process as amicably as possible and trying to salvage what you do have left so that when he comes home - maybe he will realize what a mistake he made and he will want you back. Its so difficult to know what is going on in someone's mind who has been depoloyed. They see and go through so much the average person cannot even begin to comprehend. I offer you my sincere sympathy and I hope it works out in the end for both of you to be happy.
I Hate His/Her Ex is a book for anyone having difficulty coming to terms with their partner’s past relationships - brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores - Kindle or paperback!
Hello Pixie and thanks :) Your book does sound like a good read for partners who have to deal with an ex-spouse. I don't know how my husband did it for so long - I just like to think we're that good!!
I had/am having the exact same experience and have handled it the same way... Great minds think alike :) but as the kids grow up, my son is 9 and daughter now 5, they see the truth. It's so much smarter and better to take the higher route.
Hello aDayInMyLife1! It sucks to go through this but at least now you can see the rewards of being the bigger person. My oldest (and the only child from the divorce) is now 10 and she sees through the games. Of course she still adores her daddy, and to his credit he HAS stepped up his parenting, but she now realizes that some of the things that happened in the past were due to the divorce. Stay strong!
I need your advice.. I have 5 years old daughter. Yesterday there was a valentine party yesterday, which we went. After going their, my daughter was not feeling well and keep telling to take her home.. Finally we left, my ex walked out behind us and started blaming me that I prevent her from talking.. This issue is going for a while, while we all three go for any of her school party, she never talks to him. I ask her, she keeps silence. Do not know why?? He always blames me that I force her not to talk to him. Yesterday I lost it and had a big fight in a parking lot.. I do not how to deal and stop him from blaming me for my daughter no to talk to him. He curses me and my whole entire family....
Lazur 3 years ago
Thanks for answering the request and sharing your story.
I'm trying to remain polite for the last seven years now, but sometimes it's just F*** hard:)